This post is dedicated to my friend, Jared. In September of
2018 my stepfather passed away. The funeral was 150 miles from where he and I
live and as I was standing in the funeral home with my family I turned around
to see Jared. He came all that way alone to express his friendship to me. He
has also mentioned to me that he read my blog way back when I posted regularly.
My stepfather, Bob Troyer, was advanced in age and became
ill. When he passed away I asked Mom if I could say something to honor him at
the service. My relationship with Bob was “complicated”. But I have come to
realize that Stepfather is probably the hardest job on earth, and he worked on our
relationship much harder than I did. The words I’ve written below are pretty
close to what I said to the large crowd that gathered to honor him the day we
laid him to rest.
Bob Troyer is a guy who always had much to say. And much of
what he said, he said REAL LOUD!
I remember one time, right after Bob joined our family, he
came to my sixth grade basketball game. My Washington Rockets travelled to Knox
Middle School to challenge the team there in their haunted old gym. They beat
us pretty bad and after the game Bob called me up to where he was sitting, with
Mom, in the bleachers. He looked at me and he said, “DONALD, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING! At the end of the game it’s not important what the scoreboard says.
What’s important is that you gave it your best.”
And, of course, that’s an old cliché that we’ve all repeated.
But, when you’re eleven years old and you hear that from someone you admire and
respect, it can sink in; you can build on it. It’s wisdom.
Another thing that I remember Bob saying to me, the thing
that he probably told me most often is this: “DONALD, THIS WORLD DOESN’T OWE
YOU NOTHING!” I know that sounds harsh and it stung me every time I heard it.
But it was language that I understood, and I needed to hear it. What Bob was
trying to communicate to me is the truth that it’s never right to take the
people who love you for granted. It’s never good to take advantage of the
people you love. He was trying to help me see that you must never expect others
to put in the work that you don’t put in. The physical work, the relational
work, the emotional work that makes a family. That’s wisdom at any volume
level.
One more thing that I remember Bob used to say to me often came
after an episode of automotive crisis or drama had just passed. He would say, “DONALD,
IF YOU TAKE CARE OF THIS CAR, THIS CAR WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. IF YOU DON’T TAKE
CARE OF THIS CAR, THIS CAR WON’T TAKE CARE OF YOU!” I never had a rebuttal. It’s
forty years later and I’ve got three boys of my own. All three of them have
heard those same words from me. And I say them real loud!
