Vulgar Insults and Other Nonsense

One of the reasons why I hesitate to do so many of the things that I want to do is because I think about it so long that I imagine so many things that could go wrong and then I decide that I better not do whatever I was thinking about doing. Pathetic, I know. But that’s why I thought about writing a blog for so long before I finally began.
I’ve been thinking about my last blog entry and wondering if something worse than I had imagined actually happened. I feel like I often observe or experience something that connects with other stuff or fills in a place that I didn’t actually know was empty. And that’s fascinating to me. I just don’t often know what it means. I’m sure it means something but I’m afraid if I fill in the blank or connect the dots I’ll move on to something else and someday revisit the topic and find out I was wrong. And I know that sounds like nonsense, and maybe it is, but what I’m trying to say is that I see more value in questions than in answers. And that’s not an original thought; I once heard someone else say something very similar and it made a lot of sense to me.
Many people I know agree that God speaks to us. I have told some of them that God speaks to me in object lessons. My gps was as reliable, and as correct, when I thought I knew best, as it was when I acknowledged my ignorance. The conviction that struck me first, when I realized that, is that I treat God the same way. I am obviously an idiot. I get all giddy and sing happy songs when I turn to Jesus in my despair and he “sets my feet upon a rock”. But then I ignore him and insult him when he bids me continue to follow him.
I drove for another hour that day wondering how many times I’ve taken the long way or done laps around a strange little town when I could have trusted my way to the expert navigator and map maker. How much further down the road would I be today?
And as I write these words I realize that all this introspection and self-castigation is vain indeed if I don’t come to repentance and submission.